So I have now been unable to run for three weeks now. It is a little frustrating mostly because my running commute to work has been replaced with having to share a bus with a load of school kids who often only go one stop.

I spent a week not really being able to do anything I decided to finally use the gym I have at work that I have not entered in the two years I have worked there. It seemed strange to me that people pay and queue up to go running on a treadmill when there is loads of floor outside to run on.

Did you know that the treadmill was invented in prison to break stubborn prisoners into repenting for whatever they did?

Inbecile Michael Gove has suggested that kids be given running as a punishment which sounds ludicrous given how much fun I find it, but only if it's outside. Perhaps he was talking about his experience of running on a treadmill in the Houses of Parliament gym. Watching Eric Pickles in shorts and a vest heaving on the butterfly press maching thinking it will increase his biscuit reach, watching Theresa May in heels trying to spin around the cross trainer in heels, Nigel Farage is pulling the plug on any slightly foreign looking exerciser regardless of how hard they are working. That sounds like punishment to me though fortunately it is not too busy in here since Iain Duncan Smith was out in charge of the computer membership database and fucked it right up meaning hardly anyone can access.

Where was I? Ahhh yes, pointlessness. I currently can't do anything that involves impact so I started on the stepping machine. I don't really understand what all the levels are, I selected "Cardio" as a work out and "level 7" which basically has me stomping up and down for 30 minutes while I get to stare at either a timer, a TV with some dreadful programme on or a wall. I have graduated to being able to to 45 minutes at "level 9", whatever that means. I am starting to get a bit obsessed with my heart rate though. I watch it shoot up to 170+ on the resistance bits and then head back down to 140 in my 2 minute recovery periods. I don't know what my resting heart rate or maximum is, I am guessing 50 and 190. It was 60 just after I got run over so guess it's a bit less that that.

Does all this shit matter anyway? The most important thing is the highly accurate and legally water-tight calorie counter that these machines have. It's about 200 calories a sausage so smashing out 600 in half an hour is pretty good going and gets me extra food (that's why people go to the gym isn't it?)

I figure I am now exercising parts of my legs that I do not usually need to rely on such as my glutes and hamstrings. Shuffling along a flat canal without picking up my legs does not give much of a total leg work out whereas now I find I am stretching these unused parts of my legs.

It took a while though before I progressed to the proper henching parts of the gym. My local gym costs £11 per session (discounted to £6 for residents). Who would pay £11 to pick stuff up and down? Anyway I paid the money and went into the place where I was sure not to be intimidated by people I work with but rather I can now get intimidated by complete strangers.

I pick up some dumbells (10s) and start lifting them up an down in front of a mirror while keeping alert to what others are doing on other machines that I might want to use later. I am not stupid enough to use the mechanical weight machines, I know they do more harm than good.

I lift them up in front of me, then lie down on a bench and lift them over my face (which seems hazardous) and then the ones Ian Sharman sugggested recently for trail running awesomeness where I stand up and bend to each side while pretending I am about to be punched in the stomach. I fear I am going to get punched in the stomach for monopolising the weights, however the the amount of dust I have to clear of them suggests that they don't get used that much.

Why do they go straight from 10 to 12.5kg? That's a 25% increase. You wouldn't go straight from running a marathon to running a 50k would you?

OK maybe.

I find weights hard, mostly because they hurt my hands like shopping bags. If I put them down and swap them that seems to make both seem lighter, just like when you rearrange stuff in shopping bags.

It looks like I have a few more weeks of this. It's unlikely I'll be able to give the Machester Marathon the smashing I wanted to but this is great ultra brain training here. I find things to releive the boredom, such as looking for sweat clouds. People sweat funny and it makes funny clouds in their back. I saw a unicorn having a fight with a juniper bush the other day.

Current record for bicep dips - 2

I am feeling pretty hench but just not looking it yet. I imagine that the weight I have put on as a super hench core that is pushing my belly outwards making me look fatter? That happens right?

Dare I say I am enjoying this? But if anyone sees me on a treadmill please club me to death with a walking pole and bury me in a Hoka.

RunningandStuff